We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
