I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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