Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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