Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Randomize
