Can i not drive my cunt home
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
