He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just invented taco cereal.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I can't put those talents on a resume
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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