dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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