I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
