Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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