We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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