You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
