k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
