im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
