dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
