I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize
