i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize