So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
