i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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