I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize