Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
