I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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