it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
