ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
