we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
