She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
