Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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