I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Randomize
