I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
