we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
as a side note pls kill me
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
