This is not my ceiling
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
