I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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