You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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