i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize