Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
