Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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