she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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