id be glad to
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
well you can't waste a boner
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
