so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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