so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
