I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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