Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
being pregnant is like rehab
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize