If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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