I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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