I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize