I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You are the jesus of drinking
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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