The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Let's paint friendship bongs
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize