just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I stole a fireplace last night.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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