She is in my trunk
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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