I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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