I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize