Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
