im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
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