Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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