textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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