The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Sorry my hands just texted you
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
