Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
