Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
