Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize