THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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