That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
