I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
