he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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