I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize